It’s a RULE BREAKER and it’s OKAY with Me

With three netflix in the mailbox ready to be sent back to wherever all those DVDs go, my husband and I cuddled up and watched whatever we could find online: Conan O’Brien.  He was making fun of the networks for banning him from television and decided to do a live tour of the states.  The show wasn’t my cup of tea and perhaps lasted about thirty minutes before we turned it off but before we pressed the power button, he said something that resonated with me; he just announced his tour online before he even came up with a show and the second after he announced it to the world he said (and I’m paraphrasing), “This is where I freak out and have all sorts of self doubts.  I put it out there and just doubt myself.  This is the tough part, right here, the doubt.”

I was reading Sarah J’s inspiration emails the other week and her post regarding a new movie Beauty is Embarrassing and read a similar quote, “I think when you’re an artist, you want to put your stuff out there just because of the exuberance of being creative, and then you feel bad about yourself.”

And sometimes I feel that way.  I follow my heart, follow my gut instinct, try something new, fun, artsy, different, and I think THIS is amazing.  The pre-edited image rocks, the edited image rocks. The composition of my image might not follow the rules but that is okay because I FEEL the image.  I sit at the screen and edit with the intentions of keeping only a technical view but just couldn’t keep my emotion out.  A smile brushes across my face because I was there that moment, I know a little family history and when faced with the outcome image, it speaks to me-loudly, pulling me in, sucking me in, yelling at me to appreciate the moment, bask in its beauty. Smiling, I think,  I can’t WAIT to share this image with the world, this is my BEST image yet.
And the second I do, I freak out a bit. I’m self-conscious.  My image didn’t follow every photography rule.  What if everyone thinks it’s terrible?  What if MOM doesn’t even like the image?!  Should I replace it with something more safe?  More rule following?  More boring?

The silly part is no one has said anything negative, it’s a personal struggle to be as amazing as I can be.

And I’m not the only one that feels that way.  It feels GREAT to know I’m not the only one that feels terrible after putting my heart and soul into my art and then into the public eye for the fear of being rejected.
Because not everyone will like it.
Because someone will hate it.
Because to many people, I won’t  be THAT photographer, the one with a crazy following and images so uhhh, juicy that EVERYONE loves them.
And I’m okay with that.    That isn’t the game I’m playing.  I have cried reading client emails before.  I’ve teared up on a shoot before seeing a man propose to the woman he loves. I shed a few tears when I heard how hard it was for a couple to conceive and now they are pregnant. I cried when a client told me she lost their baby.  I felt the intense love in my heart when I read about family health battles. I LOVE my clients.

I feel an emotional bond with my clients.

I’m over feeling doubt when putting something new out into the world. If what I put out into the world is an accurate representation of the intense love the people in the image have for each other and reflect the love I feel for my clients,  I’m happy. I don’t want to always strive for perfection, I want to constantly strive for emotion.

And I hope a few people love it as much as I do.

I’ll finish this post with one of my favorite images, a beautiful baby, SMACK DAB in the center of my screen. No rule of thirds here baby!

xoxo- me

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