You know that night when you are home from the hospital and your baby is up ALL THE TIME and you are just sooooo tired and wonder how long your baby will sleep a month from now?

A month from now.

FOREVER AWAY when there is no sleep to be had.

And then it creeps up on you, runs up behind you, passes you before you had a chance to break into a run behind it and you are stuck there, holding your baby, time so far ahead of you, it isn’t even funny.

Time is the fastest sprinter ever.

Vivian is a month old and it doesn’t even feel real.  This month has been great, tiring, overwhelming, incredibly amazing.

When I got home from the hospital, I came home to a house that was a little messier than I would have liked it, two hyper kids and a husband that wanted his wife back.  Charlotte had a cough that seemed to appear out of nowhere and I had a new baby that needed me constantly.  I felt the urge to clean until the house was spotless, cook healthy meals every night from scratch, have daily activities ready for my two older kids, all while attached to Vivian and trying to keep her away from my coughing daughter.    On top of that, we found out Vivian needed oxygen up at our altitude and multitasking with a newborn in one hand and her oxygen tank in the other is pretty much out the window.

I felt useless.

And I cried because I needed help but help (Grandma) wasn’t arriving for two more days.

48 hours.  Another eternity.

But a spotless house is stupid when the time it takes to get there ignores the people you care about the most.

So I let go of the perfect standard I set in my head.

And instead of isolating Vivian away from the kids that could give her germs, I designating kissing spots on Vivian’s head to each kid and let them have their bonding time with the new sister.

And I looked backed at pictures of Vivian’s first few days of life when I was so worried about getting Vivian sick or keeping a clean house, I felt like I didn’t appreciate the first 48 hours I had with my three babies.

And then I cried again because I felt guilty.

But holy moly are the hormones raging right after you have a baby and don’t we moms feel guilty WAY TOO OFTEN?

Then Grandma came and helped out until she had a leave again.

But the kids cried this time.  Not me,  I felt okay. I felt like I could handle my house, my three kids and all the work involved.

And something happened.  We came together as a family.  Sawyer and Charlotte would not stop loving on Vivian, I calmed down and decided I couldn’t keep Vivian in a bubble forever, Geoff cooked a few meals and we all bonded.

We cuddled, we helped each other out, somehow fit a few showers in and we survived.

Sitting here a month later, typing this out to anyone who might read it, I  feel like we moms feel the need to be perfect, have things under control and never mention how hard things can get.

But aren’t some of the best things in life challenging to acquire?

This month’s work rewarded me with the most precious family ever, a new family of five.  A close-knit family of five.  A very loving family of FIVE!

And I wouldn’t have it any other way, tears and all!  Happy one month Vivian, we love you more than words could describe!!!

Vivian’s First Month! from Holly Strebel on Vimeo.

(My first attempt at video fusion.  It might not be technically perfect but it’s perfect enough to consider it our first family video!)